I have been getting pretty deep into some Toltec philosophy lately: the concept of the warrior, the man of knowledge, the person who sees (i.e. perceives the world directly, in terms of energy). It’s a philosophy that resonates with Buddhism, the Seth material, and many other things that I have studied, but at this point I prefer this presentation because it makes the most sense to me.

There is a concept called ruthlessness. The idea is that one must be ruthless with oneself, because death is just around the corner and so there’s no time to waste on self-pity or anger or anything that drains energy away and puts it into something useless. It is a sober way of looking at the world, to see it with new eyes at every step and unbending intent in every action. Ruthlessness entails living fully in the moment, in reality and not fantasy, with no expectation of past or future, pitilessly straightforward. (The counter to this is compassion, which is also required; but it’s far easier to understand being compassionate to oneself and the world than to understand being ruthless at the same time, so I’ll focus on the latter.)

There are so many things that could waste my energy, and many that still do. I love to eat, for instance, but I’m finding out that my body requires far less food than I feed it. There’s actually a disconnect between my mouth and my stomach; when I’m full I sometimes keep eating. So I have been trying to be ruthless with myself, to ignore what my taste buds, corrupted by sugar, tell me, and listen only to my stomach. Eventually, I hope, they’ll come into sync.

Other things are harder. Tonight I went to a video rental place, and there was a cute girl working there that I chatted with briefly, and I thought about asking her out. Then my mind started spinning daydreams of romantic futures. I realized that my entire future is set elsewhere, what with the whole Wisconsin thing next year and the vast changes that will inevitably come about. I am not yet the person who I will be. Until then, what use would it be to confuse myself with a short-term relationship, even if one were forthcoming? So it is taking ruthlessness to put that whole thing out of my head.

That’s difficult, of course. My daydreams of falling in love with a “soulmate” go back to when I was a little kid. And I am becoming aware that, by my attitude, I may be blocking out possibilities that might even turn out well, in spite of my plans to leave the area. Maybe there actually is a future where I can have my cake and eat it too. I am content with solitude. But I don’t know what probable realities are out there, waiting to exist.

If there are any eligible young women out there … feel free to write.

In the meantime, I will be ruthless.