I haven’t spoken much about other members of the group, because their stories are their own to tell and I don’t want to violate anyone’s privacy. But I will say that one of the most important things I’m getting out of this experience is learning to live and communicate with other people in an intimate, meaningful way.

We try not to let feelings build up inside us; we call it “truthspeaking,” and we try to express what we’re feeling whenever things happen. If someone’s doing something that is bothering me, I’ll try to voice it as soon as is appropriate.

Sometimes that doesn’t work, because we’re from a culture that likes to hide its feelings. So we use a talking circle, or a circle talk, to air things out. We sit in a circle together, and one person is the focus of attention at a time. We use a symbol of that — a stick or pine cone or flower, whatever is available, doesn’t really matter. That person and that person only speaks his/her piece, and then passes it sunwise for the next person to speak, while the others listen. This goes on until things come to a resolution or at least until feelings have been expressed.

We’ve had a number of talking circles over the past week. I called one of them, because Lety had done something that made me angry. It’s very difficult to sit down and openly express your anger. All sorts of things come up: the fear that you’ll be counterattacked, the fear that you’re wrong and that your anger is irrational, the insecurity of your relationships with the other people, who might start to treat you differently … But in an atmosphere of acceptance and non-judgment, it makes things much easier. We try to remember, for instance, that a lot of anger is irrational, and that feelings have to be expressed nonetheless.

For her part, Lety apologized for what she did and admitted that she was wrong. That calmed me down, and also gave me the space to realize that I was wrong too, that there was some misunderstanding on my part. It’s not about who’s right or wrong, it’s about harmony, and bringing balance back to ourselves and our relationships. If these emotions had not been expressed, then I might have started treating Lety coolly, and she would notice this and start to react to that in her own way, and things would build from there. This is far healthier in the long run.

It’s also important to have the perspective of others in the community, because in a group this small, everyone is involved and concerned in difficulties between two people. Their input, too, provides balance. So it was good balance that others voiced differing opinions, other perspectives, ways that things could have been done differently, ways that I was wrong or that Lety was wrong, and the beauty of this communication regardless of right or wrong. It was a humbling but wonderful experience.

Right now I am traveling on highs and lows again. My hide-tanning has stalled, because of tough hides and lack of motivation — I can’t see where I’ll be wearing buckskins later in life, though I might make myself some buckskin trousers (instead of leggings and a loincloth that lets your butt hang out — I can’t wear that in normal society).

I’m also obsessing about what I will do after this year. My life has always been very controlled, very planned out — I knew which college I would attend two years before I even applied. So I’m torn. Part of me knows that it is best to “let go and let God,” to let the chaos organize itself into a kind of order that will be better than any I can consciously construct.

The other part of me is falling in love with my oldest and deepest passion: nonordinary states of consciousness. They manifest themselves in my prior (and ongoing) interests in lucid dreams, out-of-body experiences, channelling, ouija boards, reincarnation, holotropic breathwork, etc. Now my mind is going wild, running the gamut from learning energy healing and qigong, to traveling to Peru to take ayahuasca and learn shamanism.

Of course these things still can’t be planned. My life has happened best when it’s happened by synchronicity. So I will really try to let go and let God …