I can’t sleep. It’s 2:30 AM and I feel so much pain and anger from the latest miserable fight, with my mother this time. (It seems to alternate from one parent to the other.) She went so far as to accuse me of growing long hair and spending a year in the woods simply in order to spite her, to do the opposite of what she wants. How narcissistic of a view is that? And she accuses me of being selfish. How can I hope to argue with a belief like that?

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I have always avoided discussing the painful topic of my parents, in order to avoid airing my dirty laundry. I’ve always thought that they are due their own privacy — they are going through their own processes, comfortable with their own values and beliefs, and who am I to criticize or question the value of their paths? I never wanted to use this journal as a forum for parent-bashing.

At this point, however, I feel secure enough in myself that I believe I can express what’s happening with my parents with some degree of fairness, or at least restraint.

The bottom line is what I’m feeling. I feel pain. I am angry at my parents for their judgment of me, and have been for a long time. Moreover, I’m frustrated that my anger is never received, that my feelings are not heard or accepted.

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After months of expressive apathy as well as technical difficulties with this journal, perhaps I’ve got it all put together again …

I am one third of the way through a New Agey program on massage therapy. Massage begins to bore me — or rather, the obligation of massage. Still, I enjoy learning to touch and to contact sensuality while maintaining professional boundaries, engaging while remaining apart.

I don’t exactly enjoy some of the more New Age aspects of the program. I won’t go into libelous detail, but I will say that I dislike any form of superficiality, particularly the practice of spiritual techniques out of deeper context.

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