Last year I wrote a blog post about a girl I knew since elementary school who had committed suicide. I omitted the name out of respect for privacy, but my sister recently sent me an article in the Topeka Capital-Journal about Becky. Makes me sad, reading this. I still wonder what my part in all of it was.

Through the darkness
Topeka Capital-Journal, The (KS)
July 4, 2005
Author: Kasha Stoll, Capital-Journal

A large photograph, measuring 24 by 30 inches, hangs prominently on the wall of a southwest Topeka home. It is of two sisters, ages 17 and 23, standing on the Florida coastline, smiling and hugging each other tightly.

The blue sky and tranquil water stand in stark contrast to the strained family relationships and the turmoil caused by the younger woman’s mental illness. The photo doesn’t even hint at the undercurrents of anger, frustration and sadness that pushed each family member to their individual limits.

“She doesn’t look sick, does she?” asked Susan Reynolds, the woman’s mother.

Rebecca Reynolds was an intelligent, vibrant, fun-loving girl. The first symptoms of the mental disorder that eventually would cause her to take her own life appeared when she was 14. Her parents at first mistook her increasing moodiness and isolation as normal, teen behavior.

By Father’s Day 1993, when Rebecca was 15, her parents knew her problems weren’t typical teen angst. But they were blindsided by her psychotic breakdown. While the rest of the family enjoyed a dinner party, Rebecca, who was convinced she had been adopted, pulled everything out of the upstairs closets in a fit of anger and began destroying family photographs.

She was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with bipolar disorder, meaning she had a mental illness that caused unusual shifts in her mood, energy and ability to function.

“That first summer, it was like recovering from a car accident,” Susan Reynolds said. “We had all been hit head on.”

Rebecca — who struggled at both Topeka High and Hayden High schools before graduating from Hayden in 1997 — began taking medicine and saw a psychiatrist and a therapist. The family also began counseling.

The strain of trying to help her daughter get well, coupled with the frustration of knowing that she couldn’t, caused Susan Reynolds to slip into a deep depression. She eventually sought help and was placed on medication.

Michael Reynolds, Rebecca’s father, fought feelings of guilt.

“As a father, you expect to be able to take care of anything and make it right,” he said. “It puts you in a helpless situation. There are some things you can’t fix.”

Within a year, Rebecca started taking drugs. When the photo on the beach was taken, she was addicted to marijuana and was experimenting with other narcotics. Susan Reynolds said her daughter was upset about the addiction and asked for help. They sent her to various rehabilitation clinics across the country.

Rebecca eventually got clean, but she never managed to get her bipolar disorder under control. While on medication, she slept and ate more than usual, and struggled with her coordination. Without the medicine, Rebecca was susceptible to wild mood swings, and said and did hateful things to her family.

“We were exhausted from the day-to-day, hour-to-hour thing,” Susan Reynolds said. “Within the family, there is a chronic level of grief. You’re really watching them die. They are alive, but you are watching their future disappear.”

Rebecca Reynolds lived at home and tried to work, but she was unable to hold down a job because of her depression. She stopped taking her medication because she couldn’t deal with the side effects. Rebecca committed suicide nine months later, on June 17, 2003, when she was 23.

The surviving family members are struggling still.

Kristi Reynolds, Rebecca’s sister, is a surgical nurse in Indianapolis.

Her father said she appeared strong throughout her sister’s ordeal, and it was only later that he realized how hurt she was by the amount of time and energy her parents had devoted to Rebecca. As a couple, Michael and Susan Reynolds came through the ordeal together. They deal with their pain and the memories in different ways, but at the end of the day, they are there for each other.

Michael Reynolds said he visits his daughter’s grave almost every week, his wife maybe once a year. Susan Reynolds teaches the Family-to-Family Educational Programs at NAMI Kansas.

“Mike and I make a conscious effort to have fun, make friends and live while we’re alive,” Susan Reynolds said. “It’s not easy.”